Dear Breastfeeding...

This is IT! This is your last chance!!!! You are costing me my last little bit of sanity and LORD knows I cannot lose my sanity right now. Either by this time next week you show some sign of working out or I AM DONE! There is WAY too much else going on right now and my poor kid is growing and HUNGRY! Thank you very much!!!

Love,
the lady who's on the verge of losing it!!!!

The struggles continue...

Yup...still at it! Barely. Still trying to figure out what in the world will help me nurse my child! Maybe I'm a fool for trying for this long. I don't know. Along with what I wrote about in the previous blog post about my breastfeeding struggles, I am now taking 9 pills of Fenugreek seed per day, 9 pills of Blessed Thistle and drinking a little bit of Red Raspberry Leaf Tea.It was beginning to help some (not nearly enough to sustain Jaden...but enough to make trying worth it), and then yesterday I noticed that my supply was dwindling again! Not to mention that there is a major difference in the amount of milk each breast produces! What the heck? Seriously! If my left breast makes about 2 oz, my right breast might give me 2/3 of an oz! Hardly worth the effort and discomfort it takes to get that 2/3 of an oz.I told the midwife about my issues and she seems to think no meds are necessary, that I should just keep trying...and the last time I was able to get ahold of the lactation nurse she had said I've tried everything natural already, that I could ask the midwife for meds?!

Breastfeeding...

how I love/hate you!!! One thing I always knew I absolutely did not want to compromise on is breastfeeding!!! I would never judge another mommy for choosing otherwise, because that is a personal choice each woman needs to make for herself and her child...but for me...I wanted to breastfeed. With all the benefits for both baby and mommy, I thought it was the best way to go. End of story. I was and am determined to do whatever I can, but the over the last 4 weeks the word "breastfeeding" has become an ugly word in this house! I am frustrated to no end with my defective girls and cannot understand why nothing I do seems to make the situation better. I know all of the usual tips and tricks, advice...blah blah blah. Drink lots of water, make sure you eat,pump/nurse as often as possible, at least every 2-3 hrs (supply/demand my booty!!!), the list goes on. I've tried the Mother's milk tea, I've done all the above and I still fail to produce more than two ounces between both breasts in one pumping/nursing session (and that's if I'm lucky...most of the time I get one ounce between both sides...and my son eats between 3-5oz per feeding!!). This whole fiasco started in the hospital and got progressively more frustrating as the days/weeks have passed.One of the first things I did when Jaden was born, was to latch him and attempt breastfeeding. He latched perfectly and did everything right as far as I/we know. The only problem was the fact that he was lazy about it and lost interest quickly.I didn't really think too much of it seeing as how the poor kid had just been squeezed through the birth canal...a little exhausting one would think, right?! Not to mention I had read that the first few days the baby may not be that interested/hungry and when hungry he/she will let you know and will eat. Anyway...fast forward to later the first day...I had attempted to feed Jaden several times, with no luck, baby boy kept falling asleep at the boob! He apparently just wanted to snuggle skin to skin. He would find the nipple, latch and out he was! Not a problem I thought...he'll eat when he's good and ready. Nope. The nurses, however well-meaning they may have been were freaking out because he hadn't eaten. The one that was on that first night in particular made me want to scream...they were so forceful with him that it hurt me to watch the process. I kept trying because I wanted him to get it and I didn't want to be the bad mommy who doesn't feed her baby, but everytime they'd yank him around and force the poor baby to my breast and aggrivate him to wake him up it killed me. He would turn bright read, scream bloody murder and gasp for air as they kept at it. I HATED it! I mean really?! Are you kidding me? This is supposed to be enjoyable? Fast forward day two...Jaden's pediatrician came by to check him out and low and behold...baby boo has jaundice! Fantastic! So now, not only are we already having issues breastfeeding and watching our child scream because he's being forced to "eat" but now we have to watch him scream all day/night because he's stuck under the stupid UV light! It was HEARTBREAKING!
(my poor baby screaming his head off under the UV light)
Not at all how I imagined our hospital stay! By the end of night two I believe it was sometime around 2 or 3 am and yet another nurse making my baby scream and making me feel like I was starving my child I said enough...I'm giving him formula to get these people off my back. My milk hadn't come in yet anyway, and yes I knew the whole nipple confusion and blah blah...(none of these things have been a problem however)...at that point that was the risk I was willing to take.


(not so happy about that bottle in my hand!)

By the time we left the hospital I believe 5 different nurses and the lactation consultant had been in the room and attempted to get this boy to nurse! I was so anxious to get out of that hospital I cannot tell you! We got home and I again attempted to latch him on...by now he wanted nothing to do with my boobs...(which up until he was being forced to latch was not an issue!!), as soon as I would try to get him latched he'd start screaming. Each time before I would give him a bottle I tried to latch him first but after he would scream I couldn't continue. It was horrible! So I would give him the bottle. I did this for about a week and meanwhile I was pumping religiously. My milk had come in a day or so after we got home...I was pumping about 3 oz between both sides and even though it was not much, it was better than what I have to offer him these days. Anyway, after about a week, to my astonishment Jaden all of a sudden started latching!Persistence pays off, right?! WRONG!!! He was latching, and eating (he would suck, swallow, and breathe, just as he was supposed to) but after a couple of minutes would scream because he wasn't getting anything anymore. ARGH!!! So we've continued this process. I latch him and he nurses for a couple of minutes until he gets frustrated with the lack of milk and starts to scream/attempt to take out his frustrations on my poor sore nipples (the other day I thought he was going to yank the thing off!!! YIKES!) and in between/after I pump. Typically every 2-3 hours as recommended, given that I am able to. When we run out of breastmilk I have no choice but to supplement with formula (which makes me angry for several reasons...it makes him gassy, spit up and costs far too much!!). Recently however,my son has realized that it is completely not worth the effort of trying because he gets next to nothing from my breasts and then has to eat from the bottle anyway?! So now we're back to screaming when I attempt to latch him. I'm still a pumping/mother's milk tea drinking fool and about to lose it. I talked to the lactation consultant the other afternoon and told her my troubles (she recommends I ask to be put on Reglin at my next appt on the 13th to help with the milk production and keep trying to nurse/pump). The last I checked I was pumping about 6 oz per day (on a good day!).So that's where we are...Jaden enjoyed nursing for a brief time...I loved watching him nurse, but the bigger and hungrier he gets the more frustrated he gets with it and I am feeling stressed out and defective because I just cannot feed my baby!